What Ifs

SA band concert - enchanting. mesmerising.

while watching/listening to them, i began thinking about the "What Ifs" in my life. it started with the "What if i had stayed on in SA.." and on the way home, i started thinknig abotu other what ifs.. [ceteris paribus - my PSLE and OLVL results are the same unless otherwise mentioned]

What if my mother had sent me to ACS jnr.. [she told me tt she almsot sent me there]
I wud have [hopefully] gone to ACSI.. [anyways, she once asked me if i wanted to transfer frm SCSS to ACSI in sec2 cuz she knew someone there who cud help] and then ACS IB/ ACJC. tt wud have been nice. my life wud have been planned right then and there. on the flipside, i wud nt have known so many nice people from swiss/peps.. but i wud have met even other friends in ACS too.

What if i got better for PSLE? i was damn disappointed with my results. 241 was like a setback. i wanted to go to RV/BPGHS/CSS.. and when i got 241, i was damn happy cuz i tot i was in CSS as their cut off was 241 then.. and was disappointed.

What if i had taken HMT in sec sch? then i wud be in NJ right now and not be stuck in [sucky] PJC.. disappointment no 2..

What if i had got into SA in the first 3mths [i changed my mind last min cuz my mum was so totally against it.] then i wud nt have been pt of 1SA2.. tt wud be terrible. haha. if that had happened, i might be in SA now and thigns might have turned out differently.

What if i had not changed my choices during my JAE? i wud have been in ACJ and enjoying life i suppose - apart from all those CTs..

What if i had been a better clarinetist? then i wud have had smth to be really proud of.

What if i had scored 9pts during my o's?? then the choice wud have been obvious and i wud not be stuck in a rut now.

What if i had the power to change my life? then again, if i had that power, life wud be meaningless. but the life i hve now is meaningless enough. how i wish i cud be adam sandler in "Click"..

What if i could foresee via some witchcraft/sorcery what wd happen if each and every one of these "WHAT IFS" happened? i wud have known how life wud turn out to be if i chose wrongly. life wud be so great. i would know what my life was gonig to turn out like.

i guess all these negative feelings are cuz of my feelings towards PJ and life. but as i told leqi, its just wasting 2 years of my life and when i'm 80 and looking back on my life, i would have 78 years to smile upon.. life's so empty and meaningless now. i dont look forward to the next morning. to hell with life. i've gt no life.